WRESTLING...

Hi my friends,

Can I be straight up honest with you? I've got one word to say...WOAH. Okay, I've got a few more words to get out than that, but if today could be summed up into one word, it'd be "woah." Right now, in this moment and all through out the morning leading me to here, I've been truly overwhelmed with the weight of the calling placed on my life and pinned by my human weakness and unworthiness to do it.

I emphasized the word "placed" in the last paragraph because God truly did put my calling upon me. The gifts I have been given and the details of all I've been called to are nothing I ever sought out, dreamed of, or desired over the course of my life. God took the things I saw as least valuable in my gift storage and made them the very tools I use every day to touch others out there. Doesn't this so sound like Him?

I have been called to sing and to lead others into worship. I am constantly flooded with countless songs of raw, honest truth, pain, healing, redemption, and straight up worship. I can hardly keep up with the multitude of these songs and can't help but share them as they pour out. I've also been handed unique perspectives, words and a message to share through my speaking along with the passion of writing, journaling, and turning the lessons God shows me in my life into word pictures. I know, that's a lot of stuff...Again, I say, "WOAH." (Doesn't that word just feel good to say? :)

Since I've been called to so much and I have so many things constantly pouring out of me, I am bombarded at times. I have to release what's inside or I'll explode. I even tell those closest to me that sometimes I am so full I feel like my head's gonna pop off! Today was one of those days and I needed a good releasing session. As I was walking outside I felt the wave of an insatiable need to push and push hard. I just wanted to push, push, push. I had to push something...I had to exert. So I did.

There in my little community's gazebo, I threw my hands upon the creamy stucco wall and pushed with all my might. To be honest, I even gave that poor wall a little "Katie Marie kung-fu kick" (I'm sure it was a fun little sight to behold :). I pushed and pushed so hard that I began to cry and struggle. Upon that wall I poured out my tensions, anxiety, frustration, and pure energy. It was then in that silly moment I realized what I was fighting against. I was wrestling with God.

I was fighting Him just like Jacob struggled late in the night. In the story found in Genesis 32:22-32, Jacob wrestled with an unknown man (who ended up being God) with all of his might until daybreak. Through this match, God saw Jacob's passion, intensity, and powerful nature pour out. The Bible says "the man" saw he couldn't overtake Jacob, so he touched Jacob's hip to wrench it, causing his weakness and ultimate surrender.

Though it may have seemed to Jacob that he had lost due to his weakness, God saw him as an overcomer..."Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, (which means 'he struggled with God') because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome." Genesis 32:28. It's also important to read the story and realize Jacob wouldn't let God go without blessing him. WOAH. What a bold request for Jacob to make after he had just been "whooped" in an all-night wrestling match. Clearly he needed that blessing. Though he was seemingly overtaken because of his human weakness, God blessed Jacob for overcoming.

That same God blesses us for overcoming in spite of our shortcomings.

Apart from Christ, I am so unworthy and unequipped to take on this life I have been given. It's in this fact that I am so driven to Him. He has touched me to make me realize I am weak in nature. This is the very reason I push against random walls and throw my hands up with reckless abandon in worship. It's because of this weakness that I fall on my face at the honor of serving and loving Him in every way.

Were it not for Jesus, I don't have a single reason to sing or even the desire. He's the One who has always given me more songs than I can even handle, and the voice to carry the melodies into the air as HE opens my lips. To find the strength to carry this cross I tap into who I am doing this for...my Jesus. Whenever I wrestle with myself over my unworthiness, I close my human eyes to the fears attacking all around and focus my heart's eye on the beautiful face of my Resurrected King. I get away and shut out the world's chattering and distracting noises to hear my Father whispering. I have to or I can not make it through the fight until dawn.

I have to keep coming back to Him when I've lost the strength and courage to push on and endure my heavy, devastatingly awesome calling. I have so much passion, desire, fear, and angst trapped in this little vessel that it seems at times there's no other way to tap in than to get right down in the dirt and battle it out.

Today I wrestled with God. I needed Him to touch me; to wreck me on the inside, pour me out, and then rebuild me strong in Him. I longed for Him to speak to me in the quiet, tired, and hazy daybreak in the moments following our grapple. I needed Him to BLESS me. I pushed and pulled on Him until He did. I saran-wrapped myself around Him until He spoke the words I longed to hear...words of assurance, confirmation, and my worthiness in Christ. Lovingly He whispered, "do this just for me...love on me...sing for me...speak for me...write for me...be with me...rest in me..." That was it; simple and pure and it ended with "I Love you." *

Don't be afraid to wrestle with your Maker and Creator today. Search Him out and if you need to, get into the dirt with Him. Get ready to be passionately honest and raw and He will show up. I gently warn you, God will touch you and "mess you up," showing you your true weakness and frailty, but through it, you'll be blessed. You'll be given a new portion of bold humility and God-sized strength to pick up that cross of yours and walk on.

Oh, and don't you let Him go without blessing you; it's more than worth the struggle. He will give you what you longed for, and you will be released to resting in His mighty arms, feel even more secure and loved....wrestle on, my friend.

Consumed by the Call,
Katie Marie


* These last words were written on a sticky note and stuck on a pillow in my room. My best friend had written it and signed it - Jesus.